Older, happily (or unhappily) married people, what advice do you have for 26 year old me?

[Nate D]

She goes casually by her initials.

My wife hyphenates her name. Her initials are ABCD

 

[Stratafied]

If you’re truly in love, I don’t think a thing where the woman doesn’t take your name is a deal breaker. But I’d certainly be honored if she did.

 

[Mr Dunlop]

Be yourself and accept the person for who they are.
Compromise is good but trying to change someone or someone trying to change you is a disaster.

 

[Della Street]

Red flag for what? That she's not willing to be chattel?
Here in the 21st century lots of women keep the name they were born with and stay happily married.

i'm sorry about crawling from under my rock again...

as much as i don't want to fan this mess further, if this is an actual question, i'll answer.

assuming a family name and becoming personal property are not comparable articles. one is a personal choice and another is not a thing in existence for absolute majority of the members here. why is such outlandish rhetorical leap even required in this discussion?

it is my opinion that reluctance to assume husband's name can be a sign of lukewarm commitment. obviously there are exceptions, such as with Hollywood stage names, obscene last names and times when not assuming husband's name is not at all a sign of resentment of men as a species or a way to leave other options open. all sorts of things are possible, i'm only speaking from my experience and my opinions are worth exactly nothing.

but if you knew of the things that are done to men in the US during and after the divorce, perhaps you could see my point just a little. i was only trying to help our guy never to go through the man-wringer.

we obviously must be on very different pages... what does it take to observe the current state of the relations between sexes and see things as being on the path of improvement? this progress looks very much like degradation to me.

 

[Stratafied]

i'm sorry about crawling from under my rock again...

as much as i don't want to fan this mess further, if this is an actual question, i'll answer.

assuming a family name and becoming personal property are not comparable articles. one is a personal choice and another is not a thing in existence for absolute majority of the members here. why is such outlandish rhetorical leap even required in this discussion?

it is my opinion that reluctance to assume husband's name can be a sign of lukewarm commitment. obviously there are exceptions, such as with Hollywood stage names, obscene last names and times when not assuming husband's name is not at all a sign of resentment of men as a species or a way to leave other options open. all sorts of things are possible, i'm only speaking from my experience and my opinions are worth exactly nothing.

but if you knew of the things that are done to men in the US during and after the divorce, perhaps you could see my point just a little. i was only trying to help our guy never to go through the man-wringer.

we obviously must be on very different pages... what does it take to observe the current state of the relations between sexes and see things as being on the path of improvement? this progress looks very much like degradation to me.

I’m a traditionalist, I would hope my wife to be would want to share my last name. I just wonder what l would do if I was so in love with someone who didn’t want to, l guess just living together would be an option.

 

[BuddhaFingas]

Puts me in mind of a Young Ones skit... that there's no way in Hell (en) I'm going to allude to here.

 

[nickmsmith]

Try to be flexible, and hope she is, too.

You both will be multiple different people throughout your lives. Takes real commitment to last a lifetime, through all the times you both change.

Also, children change you, your day to day, and your relationship in significant ways. That is one of the many ways that you both may change, in big ways.

There is no way to predict how you both will change, so being flexible is about the only advice I could give. I’m 10 years in, this year, 4 children. And my wife would agree on every point.

Only a very very rare person is the same exact person: single at age 20, married at age 40, and at age 60. And I don’t think it’d necessarily be a great thing if a person were that unchanging.

 

[1stpitch]

Only if you want to be a miserable, helpless, corn cob of an old fart by 35!
Although the old adage "Happy wife, happy life" bears a lot of truth, being a "yes Dear" spouse can easily rot your personality away until you dislike the person you once loved.

Then again, to each his/her own. I should only say that "Yes Dear" was a large contributor to the death of my first marriage.

Yeah I should have said that the expected answer is Yes, Dear. I have had troubles delivering that answer at times.

 

[Mansonienne]

i'm sorry about crawling from under my rock again...

as much as i don't want to fan this mess further, if this is an actual question, i'll answer.

assuming a family name and becoming personal property are not comparable articles. one is a personal choice and another is not a thing in existence for absolute majority of the members here. why is such outlandish rhetorical leap even required in this discussion?

it is my opinion that reluctance to assume husband's name can be a sign of lukewarm commitment. obviously there are exceptions, such as with Hollywood stage names, obscene last names and times when not assuming husband's name is not at all a sign of resentment of men as a species or a way to leave other options open. all sorts of things are possible, i'm only speaking from my experience and my opinions are worth exactly nothing.

but if you knew of the things that are done to men in the US during and after the divorce, perhaps you could see my point just a little. i was only trying to help our guy never to go through the man-wringer.

we obviously must be on very different pages... what does it take to observe the current state of the relations between sexes and see things as being on the path of improvement? this progress looks very much like degradation to me.

I agree the chattel analogy may be one step too far - but it's all on a spectrum, really.
Why not turn it around and put yourself in the woman's shoes?
Why should she give up her name, and why does commitment require only one party to relinquish her identity?
You don't doubt the man's commitment, yet he keeps his name.
When I got married the first time, my grandmother, no doubt well meaning, gave me a cheque written out to "Mrs. John [his last name]". I felt completely erased. I said to my mom "I've been reduced to an 's'." I never changed my name. We divorced, but it had nothing to do with my name or level of commitment, and everything to do with his alcoholism and abusiveness.
And as for divorce, I am sure unfairness happens. But if you look at the history, women were often (and some still are) completely financially dependent on their husbands - until the 1960s and 1970s they couldn't have their own bank acounts, credit cards, etc. - some in abusive situations, with little recourse and few recognised skills to use in the labour market. You say yourself that your wife "never worked a day". Yet, of course they DO work, it's just unpaid labour, labour that is nonetheless essential to a household. So sharing assets and paying alimony in these conditions is normal. As I said, I'm sure unfairness happens - lawyers are always out to get the most they can for their client - but I think there is often an imbalance in the perception of paid vs unpaid labour, with the wage earner seeing it as "his" money and not "our money".
We are defintely not on the same page if you think relations between the sexes are getting worse.
I am very grateful to all those who fought so I could have choices and agency - and not have to get married (and stay married) to a man just to survive. I got married because I wanted to. And if we are unhappy together we don't have to stay together. I do think this is progress, yes.

 

[Kerry Brown]

After reading through this thread I am sad. It is obvious we are a long way from equality of the sexes. Names are not important. They should be a personal choice and in no way reflect on a person's commitment to a relationship. For all the men who think a woman needs to take their name, would you take your wife's name? I'm guessing no.

 

[Alex_C]

So I've been dating my best friend of 7 years for about a year now. She's my world. We met when we were 18 and grew up together. She's always had my back, and I've had hers, through some serious challenges. She waited for me while I wasted time and learned some things, and last year I finally saw the light and asked her for her heart. We communicate really well, want the same things out of life, and most importantly she's the kind of girl that makes a guy want to pick up a guitar.

She knows we'll be married, I'm just saving up for her ring. While I wait, though - I always look for advice from those with more life experience than I, so what would y'all suggest I think about?

My wife and I run through our appreciations of each other every Sunday. We also talk about the state of our union and attempt to set a date for the week.
We've been married for 22+ years and love each other very much.

 

[dante1963]

Be scrupulously honest about who you are and be aware of who you are. And decide how much of who you are is negotiable.

In my 20's and mid-30's, I spent 13 years with a woman I should not have spent 13 minutes with.

She was attracted to me because I was a romantic starving writer. I warned her on an early date that I might live my whole life and never make more than $18,000 a year. She thought my dedication to what I believed was my life's work was inspiring.

But, then, little by little, day by day, she slowly and inexorably worked to turn me into someone else. What I wanted, and more importantly, what I needed, meant nothing. Since I had very little self-esteem, I followed the path of least resistance and tried to become the man she wanted me to be.

And I did. I abandoned the thing that gave my life purpose and started chasing what she wanted. Money. I became a different man.

The problem was, in the end, I hated THAT guy's guts.

Now, with that miserable, cold woman a distant, and unpleasant memory, I have spent the last 20 years with a woman who actually wants me to be happy. And I want her to be happy.

So, be honest. Be realistic. Know that at 59, you'll likely look back on who you were at 29 and come to the conclusion that you were an idiot. In one way or another. No offense. It happens to most people who are self-aware, and who are paying attention the whole time.

Don't be selfish. But don't be a door mat.

Equal is important. The problem is, no one seems to be able to figure out what "equal" means. So, work on that.

And, whatever you do, for all that you find holy, under no circumstances share bank accounts or credit cards.

This is 2023, not 1953. There is YOUR money, HER money, and the SHARED money for shared needs.

If I want another guitar, and the mortgage is paid, I buy the guitar. There is not a vote on it. And I don't have a clue what is in her bank account, or what she spends her money on if she doesn't tell me. It's none of my business. The bills are paid first, anything else is the sole property of whoever worked the jobs to earn it. She owns some real estate. My name isn't on it. I own some real estate. Her name isn't on it. We are both totally cool with that.

If the sex is bad, it will eventually poison the love. Trust me on that one.

Jealously is wasted energy, and as one of my favorite writers once put it "Jealously is not a part of my agreement with any woman."

But, that same writer also once wrote, "Everything in this book...may be wrong."

So, good luck figuring out your reality. I hope it works out for you.

You know, as much as I hate to quote my own (lengthy) post, I realize that I forgot to mention something.

Learn to do housework if you don't already. And if you don't already, buy a calendar. As I mentioned before, it is 2023, not 1953. There is no such thing as "woman's work" and "man's work." There is just "work" and you are not exempt because you think pushing a mop, or doing dishes is "unmanly."

Know that supporting the home by doing "housework" is absolutely half your responsibility. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking...you don't get a pass on that just because you put on a ring.

She may or not be a mom, but she is definitely not YOUR mom. So don't act like she is.

Find a way to split the labor equitably.

In our case, my GF does not care for doing dishes. I don't mind them, so I do them. I always do most of the cooking, because cooking is one of my hobbies. I also do a lot of the general tidying and organizing. But I don't really care for doing floors, and my GF doesn't mind it, so she tends to do them more often than I do. We split the laundry.

And if one of us is tired, the other steps up.

Without whining about it.

As my GF has said, "There is nothing sexier than a man wearing an apron."

 

[stratocarlster]

If your wife is happy, you have a chance to be happy. If your wife isn’t happy, you are not going to be happy.

Best advice on this thread. The rocky patches in our 27 year relationship (we said phooey to phony vows and white dresses) have been when I got too self absorbed to notice my wife was unhappy.

Apart from that I dunno, I don't think too deeply about relationships. Neither does my wife thank god. We just happily coexist and share kids (3) dogs (2) and a good life. I do remember we closed our separate bank accounts within a year of meeting and have had one shared account ever since. Always strikes me as odd that married (or long-term de facto if we're being pedantic!) couples still have separate accounts.

What else. Sex at least once a week is important. And kiss (not peck) every day, more than once. Also you've gotta be alike in many ways. Opposites attract they say, but I doubt it lasts. For instance my wife and I are both private people who have gradually shrunk our circle of friends to practically nothing as we have gotten older. We are close to both our extended families so that ensures quite enough social life thank you. I sometimes wonder how I would cope if my wife was the type who always had friends popping over, and asking us out to dull dinners.

But we're also different enough and have our own interests. We both like to travel but don't get around to it often enough.

She pisses me off regularly and no doubt vice versa. Its not a fairytale, it's real life.

 

[wooders]

Just remember that every successful marriage ends in death. So remember to live a little

 

[T Bone Slort]

Well I've been married to the the same (wonderful) woman for over 51 years and I haven't figured it out yet.

 

[pooterpatty]

Do what she says.

 

[Messhead]

Why my first marriage ended (in a generalized statement):

I did not make her feel like she was the most special person in my life.

Why my second marriage is fantastic:

Every day, in a big way or a very small way, I make her feel like the most special person in my life.

 

[Exhead]

What does all this have to do with Quality CBD Gummies?

 

[Stratafied]

I agree the chattel analogy may be one step too far - but it's all on a spectrum, really.
Why not turn it around and put yourself in the woman's shoes?
Why should she give up her name, and why does commitment require only one party to relinquish her identity?
You don't doubt the man's commitment, yet he keeps his name.
When I got married the first time, my grandmother, no doubt well meaning, gave me a cheque written out to "Mrs. John [his last name]". I felt completely erased. I said to my mom "I've been reduced to an 's'." I never changed my name. We divorced, but it had nothing to do with my name or level of commitment, and everything to do with his alcoholism and abusiveness.
And as for divorce, I am sure unfairness happens. But if you look at the history, women were often (and some still are) completely financially dependent on their husbands - until the 1960s and 1970s they couldn't have their own bank acounts, credit cards, etc. - some in abusive situations, with little recourse and few recognised skills to use in the labour market. You say yourself that your wife "never worked a day". Yet, of course they DO work, it's just unpaid labour, labour that is nonetheless essential to a household. So sharing assets and paying alimony in these conditions is normal. As I said, I'm sure unfairness happens - lawyers are always out to get the most they can for their client - but I think there is often an imbalance in the perception of paid vs unpaid labour, with the wage earner seeing it as "his" money and not "our money".
We are defintely not on the same page if you think relations between the sexes are getting worse.
I am very grateful to all those who fought so I could have choices and agency - and not have to get married (and stay married) to a man just to survive. I got married because I wanted to. And if we are unhappy together we don't have to stay together. I do think this is progress, yes.

Bottom line, this is something that will be decided by the two love birds. But I will say as a father of a married daughter. My wife and I encouraged my daughter to get a college education, knowing there are no guarantees people change, and I don’t want her at the mercy of a bad husband. That education will stay with her forever. Having said that, I’ll stop short of what I see as a real problem for women.

 

[Guithartic]

So I've been dating my best friend of 7 years for about a year now. She's my world. We met when we were 18 and grew up together. She's always had my back, and I've had hers, through some serious challenges. She waited for me while I wasted time and learned some things, and last year I finally saw the light and asked her for her heart. We communicate really well, want the same things out of life, and most importantly she's the kind of girl that makes a guy want to pick up a guitar.

She knows we'll be married, I'm just saving up for her ring. While I wait, though - I always look for advice from those with more life experience than I, so what would y'all suggest I think about?

Remember to always tell her those three little words: “You’re right, Dear.” You’ll be correct about 90-95% of the time, even if you didn’t realize it in the moment.

Make sure you two are similar in spending/saving habits, sexual frequency desire, level of cleanliness, and parenting ideas.

Know her love language, i.e., what makes her feel loved? Is it kind words, nice touch, gifts, acts of service, spending time together? My wife’s thing is food. If she mentions being hungry or craving something, and I don’t treat it as a medical emergency, she thinks I’ve lost that loving feeling. Meanwhile she’s 115 lbs.